The Making of Marriage

As the weather cools and we pull close for warmth, there’s something deeply powerful about the words we choose to share with the person we love most. The tone we use, the phrases we repeat, the way we respond — all of it creates the emotional climate of our marriage.

Words can be soft blankets that comfort and connect, or they can be sharp edges that wound and create distance. The good news? We get to choose which kind we wrap around our spouse. 

So what does that look like? And how can you make sure you’re speaking life and encouragement, even when you’re not feeling it? Sometimes it’s not the grand gestures that change our relationship, but the quiet words spoken when no one else is listening. 

The Weight Our Words Carry

Before I ever wrote about marriage, I was an educator—many moons ago. I spent my days teaching high schoolers in a Title I school, the very same neighborhoods I grew up in. It really was my dream job. I saw myself in my students, and I hoped that maybe, in some small way, I could be a steady, encouraging voice in a world where so many of them had very little stability.

Some of my students were bouncing between relatives’ homes. Some were couch surfing. Some were in and out of detention centers. A few had strong support systems, but for most, life was loud, chaotic, and confusing. And one thing became crystal clear to me: my words mattered. A single sentence could calm a meltdown, build trust with a kid who trusted no one, or remind a teenager that they were worth more than their circumstances. I learned—over and over—that speaking life changes people.

Now, I know this isn’t a marriage story.
But it is a words story.

Because words have power.

Proverbs 18:21 tells us, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” And we see that truth play out in the smallest moments of our relationships.

Our words can heal or wound. Build trust or break it. Create connection or distance. Draw our spouse closer or push them away. And we don’t always realize how powerful our tone, timing, or tiny comments actually are.

Setting the Tone With Your Words

There are plenty of ways to speak life and love over your spouse. I’m not the most feely person (Michael can attest to this), and sometimes I forget to speak words of affirmation or encouragement outloud. I think to myself “Well, he should just know that I appreciate him.” Just like I’m not a mind reader, neither is he. And neither is your spouse. 

Speaking loving words doesn’t always mean you’re speaking flowery words of affirmation. These words can come in a few different forms.  

• Affirmation (“I appreciate you,” “You handled that well”)
• Encouragement (“You’ve got this,” “I believe in you”)
• Gratitude (“Thank you for working so hard,” “I don’t take you for granted”)
• Affection (“I love you,” “You’re my favorite person”)

Small phrases can have an outsized impact. A few well-timed words can soften tension, spark intimacy, or remind your spouse they’re deeply loved.

A word to wives: Do you know the power of your words? A man will rise to the standard you set—and that begins with what you speak over him. You have the ability to encourage him in his work, lift him up in your home, and help set the tone for your marriage. Culture often sets the bar low for husbands. Don’t let that be your marriage. Call out greatness in your man! Speak life and encouragement. Let him rise to the challenge.

A word to husbands: I can’t speak to the experience of being a husband, but I can speak as a wife who has a man that, just this morning, crouched beside the bed at 3:40am as he prepared to leave for work to say, “I meant to tell you last night but I’ll tell you now: I love you so much and I appreciate everything you do. I just needed you to know.” As I drifted back to sleep, those words echoed in my mind. When I feel like what I’m doing isn’t enough, he reminds me that I’m more than enough. His words help me keep going.

Speak the words of life. 

When Kind Words Feel Difficult

Having been together for almost 20 years, I understand that it’s not always easy to speak kindly. The tension of the moment, stress of life, or simple fatigue can make it tough. Every couple faces moments of frustration. It’s easy to let irritation slip out as sarcasm or impatience — but those little jabs add up. Over time, unkind words can chip away at trust and tenderness.

In those difficult moments, pause. Just like there is power in the tongue, there is also power in the pause. Going back to an old blog post, take a breath before reacting and think about what need or emotion you’re really trying to express. James 1:19-20 reminds us, ​​“You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” Say a quick prayer for patience or perspective.

• God, calm my heart and steady my words. Help me respond with Your gentleness, not my frustration.
• Lord, remind me that we’re on the same team. Help my words build, not break.
• Lord, guard my tongue. Help me speak life, not hurt.

If hurt happens, apologize quickly and keep communication open. Don’t let the wounds of sharp words fester.

Small Habits That Build Connection

As we continue through the Autumn of Affection, try to be intentional about your own affectionate words. 

• Leave a sticky note or text a kind word mid-day.
• End each night with one thing you appreciate about your spouse.
• Pray together and thank God out loud for your partner.
• Speak one intentional compliment each day.

Don’t underestimate the power of a kind tone or a gentle touch to go with those words. Sometimes, a simple “thank you” spoken with sincerity can do more than a long conversation. 

Words of affection aren’t about being poetic or perfect — they’re about being present and sincere. A small “I appreciate you” said over dishes, a whispered “I love you” before bed — those are the daily bricks that build lasting intimacy.

Keeping Warm Words Alive This Season

Don’t let your relationship ice over as the seasons change. Sprinkle in moments of affection to keep the warm and cozy vibes strong to stave off the cold of winter. Speak life to your spouse. Let your words provide warmth, strength, and encouragement, even on the chilliest of days. 

May our words this week be soft places for our spouses to land.

Enjoy the adventure, 

Amanda