The Making of Marriage

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On May 6, 2012, we stood in front of our family and friends and pledged to choose each other for the rest of our lives. Love each other well. Sickness and health and everything that comes along with it. At that moment, we thought we knew it all and we prepared for marriage to be a breeze. The reality is that we literally didn’t know a dang thing. We were prepared to love each other in all perfectly curated circumstances in which we were both happy with the outcome. We weren’t ready for real life: choosing grace daily, forgiving each other often, and dying to ourselves again and again.

A few years ago, the idea of making it to 13 years was hard to imagine. So today, in celebration — by the grace of God and through a lot of uncomfortable conversations — we want to share 13 lessons we’ve learned. We’re hoping some of these lessons will resonate with you and help you to have a stronger, more fulfilling marriage.

If marriage is easy, you’re doing it wrong.

A good marriage doesn’t just happen. It takes many, very intentional, daily choices. A good marriage takes thought, consideration, sacrifice, grace, and really hard work. A good marriage takes intentional connection and conversation, planning date nights, and speaking your partner’s love language. You don’t just fumble your way into a good marriage, you put in the work.

Yes, you can get rid of the “ick”.

You know those times when your spouse walks into the room and you find yourself moving to a different room so that you don’t have to talk to them? Or, let’s say that your spouse has a characteristic about them that you find repulsive (“He’s a slob” or “She complains a lot” tend to be common ones). So then you avoid your spouse, creating this vicious cycle of pursuit and avoidance. The world may tell you that those feelings are the end — but they don’t have to be. The “ick” can go away. You can love your spouse, want to be around them, and spice things up again as if you were on a honeymoon. Don’t follow the world on this. Divorce is not the answer for this situation. The answer to this resides in your brain, specifically the way that you think about your spouse. Sure, you may never find his food stained t-shirt attractive and you may never find her complaining to be music to your ears. Spend time being grateful for who your spouse IS instead of who your spouse IS NOT.

Act as if you’re holding your spouse’s heart.

We often treat those closest to us with our worst behaviors. Let me explain– A welcomed guest comes to your home and you welcome them at the door with a smile and a warm “Hello!” Then, your spouse comes home and you greet them with “You know you left your underwear on the bathroom floor again.” Let’s say you had a heated argument with your spouse and eventually said “You’re such an idiot!” Would you ever say that to a guest in your home that had a different viewpoint than you? You see, the people closest to us can get our harshest words. You and your spouse signed up to spend a lifetime together, through sickness and in health. Even if your spouse isn’t holding up their end of the bargain at this time, you uphold yours. Your spouse will notice the difference over time. You don’t have to be on eggshells with the person and no, I’m not saying be at their beck and call. What I am saying though is treat them with respect. They deserve better than a guest’s courtesy. They are the person that signed up to be your closest friend, your emotional support, your ride or die partner, your lover, and your caretaker. Sometimes, we just need a good reminder from each other that we are on the same team.

Yes, you’ll grow apart, fight to grow together.

There’s still this idea that if the love you feel during the courting phase of your relationship fades, then the love is lost and the relationship is over. That’s simply not true. We have written blogs on this very topic and it is a part of the relationship life cycle for things to even out (or fade) in the early years of a marriage. The reality is that when things do fade, you can work to get them back. Your spouse will not be the same person 5 years into your marriage as they were on day 1. Neither will you. Your tactics, the way you show them appreciation, your spouse’s needs, how you both communicate, and how you express/receive love will change. Learn to change with your spouse. Communicate to one another what your needs are but more importantly, LISTEN. Fading isn’t the end of the relationship, it’s a normal part of it that you will experience many times in a marriage. Communicate, listen, adapt, and love.

Find THEIR love language, not YOUR preferred one.

Love languages are a real thing. Personally, I’m mostly Quality time, with Physical touch & Gifts vying for 2nd place depending on the vibes. Michael is definitely Physical Touch first, with Quality time coming in hot and Acts of service next. This is important to know about your spouse because while we all like to receive love in one of the ways Gary Chapman outlines, we do have a way (or two) that make us feel most loved. If my jam is quality time but all my spouse wants to do is do things for me instead of spend time with me, I’m not going to feel truly known and loved. It’s easy to love someone the way you receive love, but to make a daily effort to love someone well, means so much more.

Have you tried taking the 5 Love Languages quiz? There are many available online, or you can purchase the book and dive in deep with your learning!

Die to yourself for your marriage.

I’ve heard lots of wedding vows say “…in sickness and in health…till death do us part.” I think we say these vows with the best of intentions but we don’t understand them. Couples often have similar goals (or at least their spouse’s approval to pursue their own goals). But what happens when you’re 5 years down the road, you’re accomplishing all of your career and life goals, but your spouse is unhappy with the amount of time you’re spending at work? What if your spouse isn’t happy with the way life is going right now? Do you tell your spouse to “figure it out” or do you alter your life plan? I think a lot of people default to “This is what I want to do so you need to get onboard with that.” This mindset makes our well intended vows have a little asterisk that says “As long as you are on the same path as me.” One person can ruin a marriage but it takes two to keep it together. I’m yet to hear a set of vows that says “I will give up all of my life ambitions in order to keep my marriage with you” but at the end of the day, we believe that this is truly the commitment that marriage is. Don’t mistake this with living inauthentically. Be genuinely you. At some point in time, as you grow apart, then back together, then change personalities, you will be faced with the decision of giving up what you want in pursuit of a life with your partner. Some have to sacrifice a little, some have to sacrifice a lot. We gave up our ambitions, comfort, and security to keep our family together — and we’ll never regret that.

Kids don’t fix your intimacy problems, they magnify them.

Have you ever tried to have an emotionally deep conversation with a 3 year old running around? What about trying to get handsy with your spouse when a small face appears at your bedroom door? Not to mention the fact that having kids, caring for another living being, is just exhausting some days. Tantrums, snacks, ballet and football, PTA meetings and homeschool lessons, clingy toddlers, playdates, and more tend to take up a lot of time and energy. We often use up all of our energy during the day on all of these things (good and annoying), then have little left in the tank to give to our spouse/marriage. This is when it’s common to settle into that roommate stage, dealing with all things life and investing in your marriage last.

It’s ok to be selfish for your marriage and plan dates, in and out of the home. I’ve seen that kind of misleading belief online– the idea that it’s not your season to have date nights and time alone because you’re so blessed in this season of parenthood. While parenthood comes with many blessings, your children will (hopefully) leave the nest one day… make sure you invest in your marriage so it’s still solid when it’s just the two of you again.

Silence is sacred— you don’t have to share every thought or have a comeback for everything.

As a former public school teacher, I was always reminding my students that sometimes they should just keep their mouths shut. One of my classroom posters said, “T.H.I.N.K. before you speak!” This is applicable in marriage, especially in intense fellowship with your spouse. Before you let that comment loose, THINK–

• Is it TRUE?
• Is it HELPFUL?
• Is it INSPIRING?
• Is it NECESSARY?
• Is it KIND?

It seems a little elementary but truly, just think before you speak. The Bible is very clear about the power of our words– why not devote them to building up your spouse instead of getting in the last word?

The honeymoon phase ends… but it doesn’t have to stay that way.

People love to give you the “just wait until” talks. As a newlywed, I received a lot of unsolicited advice about how the honeymoon phase would end and I would just roll my eyes. There’s no way that would happen to us! Whomp whomp, it did. But that’s ok! Because we got out of it. There will be busy seasons where you might slip into that “survival mode” phase or “I’m too tired tonight” phase. But it’s just that… a phase. A season. Frequent marriage check-ins with your spouse can help you guys hit the reset button and get back to feeling like those newlywed fools you once were (or hoped you could be)! Touch base frequently to see where you guys are doing great, and where you can devote a little more attention. Bring back the stolen kisses, flirty glances, and booty pats of your youth and slip back into that honeymoon phase.

Your spouse isn’t meant to meet your every need.

We’ve been fed this idea of finding your soulmate or that person who completes you since childhood. RomComs and romance novels make a killing off of this trope. But that’s not reality. That’s too much weight for one imperfect person to carry. When we expect our spouse to meet all our needs, we set both of us up for disappointment and resentment.

Instead, pursue a healthy balance—nurture friendships, passions, and most importantly, your relationship with God. A thriving marriage includes two whole individuals choosing to love and serve one another, not two people expecting the other to make them whole.

Vows are more than just pretty words you say once… it’s a covenant to live by each day.

Our vows were never meant to be poetic words spoken once and then forgotten. They’re a covenant—between us and God—that we choose to live out every single day. Marriage isn’t just a legal document; it’s a sacred promise to love fiercely, to stay when it’s hard, and to return to each other again and again with Christ at the center.

Our vows were, “I acknowledge God’s presence in our lives and I believe that He has led us together to share our lives with each other. I vow to fiercely love you in all your forms, now and forever. I promise to never forget that this is a once in a lifetime love. I vow to love you, and no matter what challenge might carry us apart, we will always find our way back to each other with Christ as the head of our home.”

Before we packed everything up in order to live in a camper, I actually had these vows printed and put above our bed. It was a bold move for that season of life, but I see it as a bold move that helped us to fulfill our vows.

Speak highly of your spouse— in public and private.

When I make a new friend and they meet my husband for the first time, I want them to see him as that guy that Amanda just can’t stop talking about, in an annoyingly good way. I want them to be excited to meet my husband because of the great things I’ve been saying. When I was working, I would often hear people complain about their spouse during lunch. On several occasions I was even called out for not joining in the complaints.

Do I believe that you sometimes have to vent? Yes. Venting and having rough days in marriage is normal, but the person who you choose to vent to should be pro-your marriage and they should never hear anything you’re not willing to say to your spouse. I have two friends in particular that are safe friends for this. They are 100% Team Coutu, though they may have a favorite player (and Michael thinks it’s him). Even in rough seasons, my friends have had our backs, not just mine.

Love is a daily choice, not just a feeling.

It’s choosing to greet your spouse with a kiss after a long, exhausting day. It’s setting aside your pride when you’re not seeing eye to eye. It’s grabbing their favorite snack, praying for them before bed, or sending a sweet text just because. These are simple acts—but they’re powerful choices. Choices that say, I see you, I cherish you, I’m still choosing you. Love isn’t just a feeling—it’s a daily decision to care for your spouse’s heart, even when it takes extra effort. And that effort? It’s always worth it.
Try starting your day by asking, “What can I do today to show you how much I love you?”

While I’m sure we could have written a million more lessons learned, these currently stand out the most. A few of these are more recent lessons, so you’ll be happy to know that we’re still figuring things out.

What can you do today that will help you to love your spouse better?

Enjoy the adventure!

Amanda & Michael