The Making of Marriage

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At the beginning of June, I attended a women’s event at my church where we celebrated marriage and reflected on what it means to be a bride. One woman shared about how brides in Jesus’ time would prepare—not just for a wedding day, but for the life of marriage. That hit me hard. I started thinking back to when Michael and I got married and realized how little I truly understood about what marriage would require. So, to wrap up Bride Month, I’m sharing what I wish I had known before I said ‘I do’, and hopefully help someone else prepare.

Put God First

This should be a no-brainer—we all know the first of the Ten Commandments: “You shall have no other gods before Me.” But idolatry isn’t always obvious. Sometimes we unintentionally begin to idolize things like money, success, control, or even ourselves. And yes—sometimes, even our spouse.

An idol is anything that takes the central place in your heart—a place meant for God alone. Without realizing it, I had moved Michael into that spot. I was still going to church. I was serving regularly. But in my heart, my gaze had shifted. I looked to my husband for validation, for meaning, for purpose—things he was never meant to provide. I let his opinion of me outweigh God’s purpose for me. My worth became tied to how well I performed as a wife—how clean the house was, how often we connected, how “together” I seemed. I wasn’t showing up in my relationship from a place of fullness in Christ—I was desperately hoping Michael could fill gaps in me that only God could heal. It’s not that I was actively worshipping my husband, but I was looking to him to validate my existence. 

That’s a dangerous place to be, because it puts pressure on a person to fulfill a role only God can fill.

Which leads me to my next point…

Know WHO You Are and WHOSE you are

Despite being a Christian for years, I didn’t fully grasp the power of my identity in Christ. Sure, I could quote the verses—I was fearfully and wonderfully made, created in God’s image, loved. But if I’m being honest, those truths never truly made their way into my heart or the way I saw myself.

It wasn’t until our marriage hit a breaking point that I realized just how much of my identity had been wrapped up in being Michael’s wife. I wasn’t just Amanda—I was “Michael and Amanda.” I had let that relationship define me. So when it felt like the relationship was crumbling, I didn’t just feel like I was losing my marriage—I felt like I was losing me.

Then God reminded me who I am and that He had my back. It was a painful season, but it led me back to my truest identity. He stepped into that mess and gently reminded me who I am—not because of my role as a wife, but because of who He is and what He says about me.

Some of the truths that I began to cling to: 

• You are His beloved child– Because of that, you can trust Him with childlike confidence—even when things feel uncertain. (1 John 3:1; Psalm 37:5)
• You are fearfully and wonderfully made– God didn’t make a mistake when He made you. You are uniquely designed for His purpose. (Psalm 139:14)
• You are chosen, not forgotten–  Even when you feel unseen, God is actively at work in your life. (1 Peter 2:9; Hebrews 11:1)
• You are strong—not because of your own strength, but because of God’s. (Psalm 18:29; Isaiah 41:10)
• You are safe and secure in Him (Psalm 62:2; Psalm 34:4; Psalm 59:9)
• You are never alone– When you feel abandoned or invisible, remember that God is not distant—He’s present, near, and fighting for you. (Matthew 28:20)

These aren’t just nice phrases—they’re spiritual realities. They remain true whether you’re single, dating, newlywed, or in a marriage that feels like it’s falling apart. They are the foundation your heart was made to rest on.

Know the Purpose of Marriage

Let’s just say it plainly: Marriage wasn’t designed to make you happy.

The idea that you marry someone because they “complete” you or because you have fun together might sound sweet, but it misses the point. And honestly? I think that’s part of why so many marriages fall apart. We often enter marriage with a me-centered mindset.

What do I get out of this relationship? How does this person make me feel? What’s in it for me?

But here’s the truth: It’s not about you.

Marriage was never meant to revolve around our happiness or comfort—though it’s a gift to marry someone you genuinely enjoy. The real purpose of marriage goes deeper.

Marriage is about sanctification. It’s about sacrifice and dying to yourself daily in order to love, serve, forgive, and grow. It’s not just a partnership—it’s a process. One that God uses to refine you, stretch you, and shape you into the image of Christ. 

Communication is KEY

When Michael and I went through premarital counseling, we got the bare minimum. That’s not to criticize our church—it’s just the reality. Because we had been together for so long and were both actively involved in ministry, I think our pastor assumed we already had a strong foundation. But in reality? We were constantly fighting (or ignoring that we should be fighting), making immature decisions, and rarely repairing the damage those fights caused.

Looking back, I now realize how little we understood about fighting right. (Side note: I just finished Fight Right by John & Julie Gottman– very applicable.)

One of the biggest mistakes we made early on was falling into unhealthy conflict patterns. John Gottman calls them “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” and we rode them all:

• Criticism: We blamed each other instead of addressing specific issues.
• Defensiveness: Neither of us wanted to take responsibility.
• Contempt: We let frustration simmer into sarcasm or eye-rolling.
• Stonewalling: We shut down instead of engaging.

And the worst part? We didn’t know how to recover after a fight. We weren’t resolving anything—we were just letting wounds scab over without healing underneath. Over and over again, we cycled through the same arguments with the same unhelpful outcomes: he felt unheard and pressured, I felt unsafe to speak up and unsure, and nothing truly changed.

If I could go back, I would’ve learned how to listen with empathy, speak without blame, and come back to the table even when it’s hard. 

Communication isn’t just about talking. It’s about understanding. And learning how to fight right doesn’t mean you never argue—it means you value your connection enough to fight for each other, not against each other.

Prepare for the Marriage, Not Just the Wedding

If you’re preparing for marriage, I encourage you to do more than pick a date and colors. A beautiful wedding looks great in pictures, but that is just one day. 

Prepare your heart now for a marriage that will last a lifetime. Get into prayer and connect with the Lord. Find a mentor, someone who will challenge you to grow, not only in your relationship with God but in your own confidence and purpose. Maybe find a personal counselor if you need additional encouragement and guidance. Ask yourself the hard questions: Are you rooted in your identity? Are you ready to serve, not just be served? Are you inviting God to shape you through marriage?

And if you’re already married and realizing you weren’t fully prepared either—welcome to the club. There’s grace for that. God is still building and redeeming what we didn’t even know needed fixing.

You can still take these same steps today: dedicate time to prayer and Scripture, seek a mentor couple, and consider marriage counseling if needed. Most of all, prioritize your connection with the Lord and each other—on purpose, and with purpose.

How can you prepare for a marriage that will last a lifetime? 

Enjoy the adventure, 

Amanda