The Making of Marriage

Welcome back! This is part 2 of The Fight That Never Ends. If you missed part 1, you can find it HERE. I’m Michael—husband, dad, someone who’s failed, someone who’s succeeded—and I’m passionate about helping couples thrive in the complex world of marriage. I think there has been an attack on the unity of marriage and family since the dawn of time. Therefore, Amanda and I decided to fight the good fight and fight for unity. Chances are, if you’re reading this, you are trying to fight the good fight too. 

For this blog post, we are continuing our examination of James 4:1-3, picking up right where we left off.

Part 1 (which we delved into already) said:

“What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Don’t they come from the evil desires at war within you? You want what you don’t have…”

Part 2 for today says:

“…so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have, but you can’t get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them. Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it. And even when you ask, you don’t get it because your motives are all wrong—you want only what will give you pleasure.” (James 4:1-3)

Jealousy, envy, desires, and more

So why are you and your spouse fighting? Jealousy, envy, desire, the constant pursuit of more, whatever you want to call it, is coming into play. There’s nothing wrong with having desires. The issue comes into play whenever those desires rob you of the joy that you could be experiencing. Let’s make this a little practical with an example.

Have you ever gone on a wonderful date night, just to have it spoiled by a spouse who finds something wrong with every experience of the night? The food wasn’t good enough. The place was too crowded. The walk in the park had bugs. There was just too much traffic. How would the night have been different if both individuals were just simply happy with the time they had with one another? I don’t know about you, but I’ve never been on a date night or vacation—or experienced a single day—that went perfectly according to plan.. Being grateful for what you have in the moment can remedy a lot of issues. I heard this explanation once that said something to the effect of “If you live in the past, you feel shame and guilt. If you live in the future, you feel fear and anxiety. But the present is the only place where you can feel joy.” Maybe the date night or the experience didn’t live up to your high expectations, but thankfully your spouse is alive, there are places for you to go, a mode of transportation for you to get there, and someone else to experience it with.

What if I’m jealous…

I feel like a common viewpoint on life is that we should come up with a plan, make a bunch of career and financial decisions based on that plan, execute the plan, and live happily ever after. Then we seem to always get mad or stressed out when things don’t go according to our plan. I think getting mad about this is completely normal and justifiable except for one thing– there are 7 billion other people that all have their own plans that have NOTHING to do with yours! Subjecting ourselves to the fact that there are larger forces at play that control aspects of our everyday lives is a difficult concept for many people to grasp. A lot of people try to exert their will on whatever circumstances are causing them stress in order to force a particular outcome.

I’ll admit, sometimes this works. Maybe you’ve tried to change your spouse into the ideal version of what you want or you’ve tried to live up to someone else’s expectations. It’s normal for us to try to change things whenever we are off the path that we created for our lives. The problem is that we only see our path. We don’t see all of the paths that intersect with our own and force us to change. Maybe your life didn’t turn out how you wanted 10 years ago. Your spouse probably isn’t the same person today as they were when you married them. And yes, all of that can be really disappointing, I’ve been there. But you don’t have to stay there and you don’t have to stick to your original plan. You can make a new plan with your spouse that has new goals, new dreams, new adventures, and a plan that is uniquely yours. You may look at someone else’s marriage and go “Man, I want what they have.” But I promise you, someone is looking at your marriage and wishing the same thing.

Motives

Why do you want the life that you want? Will it make you happy? What problem will the money solve for you? Is it about the money, or the perceived security it has? What will you lose if you keep going down the path that you are on? Is the gain worth the loss?

After a lot of soul searching, Amanda and I put every life decision through this filter:

• Are we seeking God’s will in this?
• Will this strain our marriage?
• Does this compromise our quality time as a family?
• Does this take us away from spending time in nature?

If the life decision does not pass those 4 questions, then we don’t do it. Simple as that. We don’t have as much money, we don’t have as many shiny things, we don’t eat at Chick-fil-a as much, but we are happier. I always wanted to provide the best for Amanda, but that wasn’t what Amanda was asking of me. She just wanted me. Amanda would be happy if we lived in a glorified cardboard box if it meant having each other. 

You want “something” out of life. You do things for your spouse (big things and small things). What are they? Why do you do them? Is it so that you feel appreciated? Do you want them to notice you? What are you REALLY chasing after?

I’ll ask you, why do you want what you want? Does it even matter?

Ask God for what you want

When it comes to your marriage, what are you asking God for? I always had a hard time with this verse. I always thought of it as “If I ask God, I’ll get it.” But again, what are my motives behind asking? Are the motives based on what I want out of the relationship or are they based on what I can give to the relationship? The passage from James doesn’t talk about changing other people so that they stop fighting with you. The passage talks about the desire that is inside you that causes YOU to fight.

Let’s put it this way.

Request 1: God, give Amanda more energy so that she will be able to spend more time with me.

It’s an honest request that is in Amanda’s benefit. She needs the energy and I need the attention. But the request is about what I can get out of the relationship instead of what I can bring to it. Let’s try again.

Request 2: God, give me patience and energy so that I can bring life to Amanda.

See the difference? You can’t change your spouse. You can’t fix them. You can’t force them to change the little things that you fight about. You can only change yourself and patiently love your spouse. What are you trying to get out of your spouse and how can you ask God for it instead?

Hear this one thing…

If you have made it this far in the blog, thank you! I’m going to tell you one last story of mine then you’re free. But if there is one thing that I can help teach you about fighting with your spouse, this is it.

I was conducting a normal budget meeting with a married couple that were clients of mine and we needed to discuss some design issues for their home. Every time I spoke with this couple together, things went sideways in a matter of minutes. We were discussing paint colors and paint sheens (why this is a tough topic for people, I have no clue. If you know, comment below). The husband wanted one color and the wife wanted another. The husband laid out his logic for why his color would look great and his wife jumped all over him (in a bad way). Next thing I knew, they were yelling across the table calling each other an idiot and stupid. She said he had no idea what he was talking about, he called her a five letter word that I won’t repeat, and they couldn’t believe they put up with each other. Now, I knew absolutely zero information about solving marriage conflicts at the time and this was incredibly awkward. So I sat there with my mouth open and just waited for it to stop.

You could change the subject matter from paint colors, to in-laws coming to visit, to dinner options, or which flowers look good on the table, and this conversation would be similar to fights that you have probably had (maybe not as extreme). I think that almost every marital fight comes down to one (or both) individuals wanting what they want and being willing to budge. I think normal marital conflict can be healthy, but sometimes, we have to be willing to lay down our own wants in order to help our marriage. Sometimes we have to lay down big things, like career goals or fancy cars. Sometimes we have to lay down small things, like paint colors. Is what you’re fighting for worth a rift in your marriage? In the end, it’s rarely about the paint—it’s about the heart behind the fight.

Enjoy the adventure,

Michael