The Making of Marriage

Recently, Michael started a job that’s helping him get closer to his dream of becoming a counselor, but it comes with unpredictable days and long, late hours. We’re used to him being home with us nearly 24/7—or at least having a consistent schedule while running his own business. But now? He’s gone for hours, commuting over an hour each way and getting home after midnight.

All that to say: we’re tired.

After long days and late nights, connection feels hard. And I’m not just talking about sex. The little time we do have together often feels rushed and tense, focused on logistics and survival instead of intimacy. We’re both drained, sometimes snapping over little things, and that sense of emotional distance creeps in quietly.

Emotional (and physical) exhaustion is real. And being tired doesn’t make you a bad partner. But when we find ourselves here—frayed, disconnected, and low on reserves—we need to pause. Not to add pressure, but to protect what matters most. You can still show up for love in small, meaningful ways—without losing yourself.

Why Emotional Exhaustion Happens (and How It Affects Connection)

Emotional exhaustion is more than just being tired. It’s that bone-deep depletion that leaves you feeling numb, irritable, and withdrawn—even from the person you love most.

It can stem from so many things: work stress, parenting, caregiving, illness, burnout… the list is long. For me, this recent season has really brought out those feelings of exhaustion. A good friend of mine will often check in and ask, “How’s your brain treating you today?” And lately, my honest answer has been: “I’m tired. I’m having a hard time motivating myself. I just feel… blah. This doesn’t feel right.”

If that’s where you are too—please know you’re not alone. 

If you’re in this place, don’t ignore the exhaustion or pretend you’re fine. As a “I can handle it all” type of person, I’ve seen how trying to handle it alone can backfire and cause more issues. Disconnection happens swiftly, and often silently. We think we’ll figure things out and show up for ourselves and our marriage once we feel better… but that doesn’t just happen. It takes time, effort, and showing up even when you don’t feel like it. But what does that look like in reality?

How to Show Up Without Losing Yourself

Give it to the Lord

When you’re feeling weary and overwhelmed, turn to the Lord first. In Matthew, Jesus tells us, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”
Truly, Jesus tells us that He knows life is heavy sometimes, but He’s there to share in that burden. Turn to Him and do you best to release the heaviness– anxiety, exhaustion, anger, annoyance. Whatever it is, He can handle it. 

Name It Without Shame

Practice saying “I’m emotionally drained” without guilt or blame. I struggle with this, as I’ve already shared — I don’t like admitting I’m overwhelmed or that I can’t carry it all alone. But if we can’t be honest with our partner, who can we be honest with? Inviting your spouse into your reality, rather than pushing them away, is an act of intimacy. Telling them “I’m fine” when you’re riding the struggle bus doesn’t protect them — it just creates emotional distance. Let them in. Let them see the struggle. It’s okay.

 Simplify Love

Lower the bar from “grand gesture” to “gentle presence.” Maybe you’ve entered a new season — a new job, a new baby, a move. The fancy date nights you used to enjoy just aren’t possible right now, and that’s okay. To everything there is a season.

Maybe this season looks like takeout and a movie, playing footsie while folding laundry, or a quiet conversation during the kids’ nap. We actually created a 7-day plan just for this called Gathering Wood: Making Time for Meaningful Connection. Connection doesn’t have to be expensive or time consuming to be meaningful.

Use Micro-Connection

That’s where “micro-moments” come in: a hand squeeze, a quick text check-in, sitting near each other with legs touching in silence. These little emotional deposits don’t take a lot of energy or time — just a smidge of thought.

Sometimes, while Michael’s working at his computer, I’ll walk by and run my hand across his shoulders or give him a quick hug before moving on. It’s small. It’s quiet. But it matters.

Set Boundaries and Ask for Grace

If you’re tired, you just have to be honest. Be honest about limits. Try saying, “I want to connect, but I can’t talk deeply right now” or “I really want to connect with you physically but I don’t have a marathon in me at the moment.” That may sound discouraging, but it’s actually the opposite. You’re not saying no — you’re saying not right now, but I still care.

It’s about honesty, not avoidance. Grace, not guilt. It tells your spouse: I’m here. I want this. I just need a slower pace today.

Lean on Rituals

Use simple rhythms to keep connection alive, especially in exhausting seasons. Whether it’s a weekly coffee date, evening prayers, a walk after dinner, or even scheduled sex — habits reduce pressure and allow you to show up with intention, not just energy. Routines create margin for connection, even when spontaneity isn’t an option.

Take Turns Holding Space

Marriage isn’t equal every day. Sometimes it’s 30/70. Sometimes it’s 90/10. When one of you is running low, the other steps in. That’s what love does. There are days I only have 30% to give — and that’s when Michael takes the lead. Not forever. Just for now. If you need your spouse to “lead the love” for a bit, say so. That’s not failure — it’s trust. 

Final Thoughts for the Tired-But-Still-Trying

You’re not alone in this.

Seasons come, and seasons go. And remembering that this is just a season can help you move through it with grace. In emotionally dry seasons, small connection counts. Even showing up messy is an act of love. Love doesn’t need your perfection — just your honesty. Honesty with your spouse. And honesty with yourself.

So let me ask:
What’s one small thing you can do today to move out of exhaustion and toward connection?

Enjoy the adventure,

Amanda