The Making of Marriage

It’s been a long day, and when you finally see your spouse something is just off. You two are butting heads and the fight is on. When emotions run high, it’s easy to default to defensiveness, blame, or silence. But soft words? They can shift the entire atmosphere. These phrases aren’t magic—but they are full of grace. They create space for calm, connection, and repair. Next time you and your spouse are having intense fellowship, try one of the following phrases to diffuse the tension and get back to connection. 

Press pause, not stop. 

The phrase: “Can we pause and come back to this in a few minutes?”

Why it works: It acknowledges the tension without ignoring it—and gives both partners space to calm down without walking away completely.

For someone like me, it is helpful to choose an exact time to reconnect. Confirming with your partner can help each person distance themselves from the tension (even if momentarily) and decrease anxiety about the situation, knowing that there will be resolution at a set time. Without setting a specific follow up point, the tension could linger and go unresolved, maybe leading to more issues down the road. 

Lead with curiosity, not conclusions. 

The phrase: “Can you help me see what you’re feeling? I want to understand where you’re coming from.”

Why it works: It signals care and curiosity instead of combat. It invites conversation, not competition.

A core need for individuals is to be known and loved. By asking this simple question you’re showing your own spouse that you have a desire to know them in order to better love them. Not to mention, emotions are confusing. Sometimes we think we’re angry but at the core what we’re really feeling is embarrassed or belittled or forgotten. Pausing to reflect on what you’re *really* feeling can make a big difference in the path to reconciliation. It can be difficult to come to grips with your own emotions, let alone letting someone else see the real feels underneath. 

Name your feelings—and your unity. 

The phrase: “I’m feeling ____, but I know you’re not my enemy.”

Why it works: It names emotion honestly while affirming unity. It turns conflict from me vs. you into us vs. the problem.

This is a wonderful move that helps your spouse know: We’re on the same team. So many times in disagreements, we go into self preservation mode– How can I protect my interests in this argument? But it’s so important to remember that if one of you wins, your marriage loses. Keep in mind that you’re in it together. The goal isn’t to win the argument—it’s for your marriage to win through the tension.. 

Call out the shift before it spirals. 

The phrase: “I can feel this getting tense. Let’s slow it down.”

Why it works: It brings awareness to the emotional shift and offers a reset before things spiral.

Sometimes disagreements just get to a point where both parties have kind of dug their heels in and a break is what’s really needed. Slow down, take the time to cool off, and revisit the conversation after a small breather. 

Re-center on love and teamwork. 

The phrase: “I love you. Let’s figure this out together.”

Why it works: It gently re-centers the relationship in love and partnership—even if you’re mid-disagreement.

We’re all in this together! (A little “High School Musical”… right?) The song is cheesy but the message is right. Remember that it’s you and your spouse against the problem—not against each other. “I love you, we’re in this together” is a great reminder of your commitment to each other and the success of your marriage. 

Zoom out to regain perspective. 

The phrase: “We’re okay. This is just a hard moment.”

Why it works: It reminds both of you that a fight doesn’t define your whole relationship. It lowers panic and keeps perspective.

I often get a case of *worst case scenario* when my husband and I feel shaky. If the tension is high, I’m bracing for the worst. It helps when he just pauses and says, “Hey, we’re good. I’m here and we’re good.” It doesn’t get rid of whatever problem we’re dealing with, but it does create a safe space and a sense of grounding.

Softness is strength.

The thing about being in a relationship with another person is just that… you’re in a relationship with a person. A person with feelings, emotions, and their own baggage that they carry around each day. Because we all bring our own junk into the relationship, there will always be tension. Emotions can run high and life can feel heavy. You don’t have to say everything perfectly. Because sometimes it’s not about having the perfect response—it’s about choosing a gentle one. Choosing softness? Choosing to de-escalate and work together? Choosing your partner over your pride? That’s powerful. When your words carry safety, your relationship has room to breathe—even in the hard moments.

Which of these gentle phrases spoke to you the most? Have you used something similar in your own marriage to bring calm during conflict? Share your thoughts in the comments—I’d love to hear from you and learn together.

And if this post encouraged you, don’t forget to share it with a friend or save it for later. You can also follow along for more grace-filled marriage tips and connection tools—we’re in this together.

Enjoy the adventure,

Amanda