The Making of Marriage

I do not have a perfect marriage. Shocker, I know. It’s easy to think as I write these posts about date nights and praying for my husband that we have it all figured out and it’s smooth sailing. Trust me, that is very wrong. If I’m being completely honest, Michael and I have spent the last few weeks in a funk. Going in and out of the motions of life, existing near each other but not really connecting. Sometimes we push past the disconnect and things feel normal, but it’s fleeting. 

Have you been there? It’s not like anyone is mad at the other, but something just feels off. And instead of talking about it, because bringing up things can be uncomfortable, we just keep going, hoping things will go back to normal at some point. Relatable… obviously. My people pleaser personality doesn’t do well with confrontation so I will just keep going until a spot opens up for me to act like everything is normal and hope Michael just gets on board and also acts like everything is normal. But this is really just avoidance. Avoiding vulnerability. Avoiding conflict. Avoiding the possibility that there could actually be something wrong because I’d rather just not deal with that. Eldest daughter, Enneagram 6, hyper independent… all of the things that help me to be closed off and guarded when it comes to vulnerability and emotions. Not to mention being a mom of 3 young kids. At the end of the day, I am touched out and so mentally and emotionally exhausted. The capacity to be vulnerable and have deep conversation just doesn’t exist. 

Let’s cut to the chase: Avoidance isn’t healthy and it doesn’t fix anything. Avoiding the topic, whatever the reason, only serves to create emotional distance over time. Even if you are able to get past the weirdness and back to a space where things feel fine, the loose ends linger and can cause bigger issues down the road (or later in the week). When you find yourself in a marriage funk, it’s tempting to wait it out and hope things go back to normal on their own. But real connection doesn’t happen by accident—it happens when we intentionally choose to lean in, even when it feels uncomfortable. Here are some practical steps to help break out of the cycle of disconnection:

1). Acknowledge the distance. It’s ok to say, “Is everything ok with us? I feel like there has been some distance. Can we talk to clear the air?” To give you a real life example, Michael texted me the other day. Truthfully, I thought things were fine (there’s that word again), but they weren’t and he called them out. He said, “Are we ok? I feel like my bids have been ignored… and I’ve felt like there’s still some invisible wall between us?” This sent me into a little bit of a spiral but it offered time for self reflection. After some more awkwardness, we were able to touch base and clear the air. Acknowledge the distance without placing blame. Rarely is a funky relationship vibe caused by just one person. There can be a lot of layers to this– unmet expectations, miscommunication, crappy communication… and more. Meet each other with open hearts, open minds, and leave the blame somewhere else. 

2). Create space for real conversation. As a stay at home mom of 3 young kids, I know how limited free time and space is. From the moment I open my eyes to the moment I go to bed, I’m on and so are the kids. Switching from mom mode to spouse mode is difficult and can even feel impossible some days, but making the time is necessary. Try a no-phone dinner together after the kids go to bed. If you have a babysitter (or no kids), make time for a short walk together. Plan a coffee date to chat and connect. Try asking open ended questions while you have time together like, “What’s been on your mind lately?” or “How can I help you today?”

3). Prioritize small moments of connection. The other day Michael asked me to rate the love languages in order for me at the current moment and I then asked him to do the same. His first need was physical touch, followed by quality time and words of affirmation. With that little bit of information, I know how I can intentionally connect with him throughout the day. What will make the biggest impact and fill his love tank. It doesn’t mean I have to spend 2 hours on an elaborate date night or throw on some lingerie (though I know he wouldn’t mind that). Simply making the effort to put my arms around him in the kitchen or place my hand on his arm as we drive down the road means more to him than making his plate at dinner or making sure he has clean clothes in the drawers (which is my default). Ask your spouse what they need to feel connected and make that a priority, even if it’s not your default. 

4). Be willing to be vulnerable. That might be a lot to ask when it comes to your spouse. No, really. Just because you’re married to someone doesn’t mean you’re always willing to be vulnerable, whether that’s because of your own personality or past traumas. But real connection only happens when we allow ourselves to be seen and known (as Michael likes to say in his posts). Being vulnerable with your spouse means:

• Admitting when you’re struggling instead of brushing it off.
• Expressing how you feel instead of assuming your spouse just knows.
• Letting go of the fear of confrontation and choosing honesty instead.

It’s okay if it feels awkward at first. Vulnerability is a muscle that gets stronger with use. Like I said, I am certainly no expert. I am simply writing from a place of honesty and knowing the importance of this really uncomfortable process. 

5). Finally, invite God into the process. He created marriage. He created this covenant. Why wouldn’t we go to the Creator for guidance? Pray for your spouse. Pray with your spouse. Praying something as simple as, “God, help us to reconnect” can make waves as you take your hands off of the reins of your marriage and allow God to have a hand in what He has created. Ask God to reveal areas where you might be holding back and surrender the pressure of “fixing” things. Trust that growth happens even in the in-between seasons.

Reconnection doesn’t happen overnight, but small, intentional steps can break through the funk and bring you closer together again. The most important thing? Keep choosing each other. Start today. Choose one of the things in this post to try out. Maybe you create space to connect, even a five minute phone call or a text to let your spouse know that they’re on your mind. Pray for your spouse before your feet hit the floor– Ask God to bless their work for the day and open your eyes to opportunities to love your spouse well. I’ve said this before and I know I’ll say it again– marriage is a marathon, not a sprint. All of your problems won’t be solved with a single kitchen hug or five minutes of vulnerability… but it’s a step in the right direction. Choose each other daily. Love each other well.

Enjoy the adventure,

Amanda