The Making of Marriage

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Valentine’s Day is right around the corner and I can almost smell the romance in the air! Or the bacon I cooked this morning…I have a hard time telling the difference. Valentine’s Day can bring up a whole slew of emotions for people. It can bring up excitement about an amazing night with your spouse, sharing laughs, drinks, and whatever activities you find enjoyable. Valentine’s Day can also be a reminder of last year’s awful evening filled with arguments and an awkward night in bed. Some individuals get excited about holidays because they get to have sex for the first time in a while (depending on the state of your marriage) and some get excited because they get to plan a night of surprises and trying out their newest outfits or toys. Let’s be honest, a lot of us are just looking forward to a night without our children! 

It’s exciting to see couples planning their Valentine’s Day with excitement and spending the evening how they want to, whether that’s a simple dinner and sex, or spending the evening playing games and joking around. Whatever works for you and your spouse is how you should spend the holiday. But my heart sincerely breaks for the couples that struggle through a night just to have obligatory sex at the end of the night. I’m just gunna be real. Obligatory sex is not that great. It’s filled with thoughts of “I guess we should start this, huh?”, “I can’t wait till this is over.”, and “Have I had enough drinks to get through this?” Obligatory sex also leaves very little room for emotional connection, closeness with your spouse, and the possibility of a shared spiritual experience.

No matter if you are looking forward to Valentine’s Night or not, here are a few ways that you can enhance the evening, rekindle the special bond you have with your spouse, and hopefully lead to more sex afterwards (with no obligatory feelings). Valentine’s Day can be the beginning of an amazing year for your marriage. Here’s a simple acronym to help you remember the tips: SEX.

Show Thoughtfulness

Look, I’m the absolute worst when it comes to planning for a date night. Until recently, I’ve never considered a date night as anything other than a nice dinner with hopefully some good conversation and a night in bed. While that may be what MICHAEL (the person writing this) wants for the evening (primarily because I’m a simple person and cannot think outside of a box), it’s not necessarily what Amanda would want. Amanda would obviously like to have dinner at some point, but that doesn’t have to be the whole evening. Amanda recently had some unconventional ideas that she put in one of our blogs located HERE. My personal favorite is Strip Mario Cart because I win every race and that’ll make for an enjoyable evening. 

Here’s my challenge for Showing Thoughtfulness. Your spouse has most likely hinted over the last few months of how they would like to spend their time with you. Either doing one of their hobbies together, having conversation (tips on this below), or something they would like to do that you haven’t done yet. Use those amazing brain muscles that I know you have and think. What did your spouse recently say? Then, set your ego aside. Try not to make the evening about what YOU want to do. Selflessly do what your spouse would find enjoyable. I know Valentine’s Day is rapidly approaching and we are all running out of time but try to think a little deeper than surface level. Would they like flowers? Did you set up the babysitter? Did you make reservations? What would your spouse enjoy? Even if your spouse doesn’t want the grand display of flowers and hundreds of dollars on dinner, just do something for your spouse. Not you.

Emotionally Connect

How do couples get to obligatory holiday sex? You can look at every marriage book, every marriage coach, every marriage researcher (Gary Chapman and John Gottman are two of our favorites when it comes to marriages), and they will all say the same thing. The burning passion of love starts to fade anywhere from 1-3 years into the marriage. It’s normal. But it doesn’t have to stay there. Many people start to lose the “feeling of love” because they grow up, life moves quickly, there’s little time for meaningful conversation, and you stop prioritizing your marriage. We start to assume that we know our spouse, but they are changing and growing up just like we are. There is a lot of information going through their brain that you don’t have access to. Information that your spouse WANTS you to know. So ask them about it.

John Gottman calls this information, or your spouse’s world, a Love Map in his book titled The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work. Enhancing your Love Map is literally the first principle. Why? Because emotional connection is the foundation for everything else that flows out of a marriage. All connection– the acts of servitude, the bond, the oneness, the physical intimacy, the spiritual euphoria– all stem from you knowing your spouse and your spouse feeling like they are known. You want more sex? KNOW your spouse. I’ve never felt closer to Amanda than when I feel like she knows my intimate feelings and thoughts. I know, a lot of guys aren’t like that, but a lot of women are. Guys, you have to put in the effort to know your wife’s deepest feelings, thoughts, and aspirations. Wives, let your husband in. He may want to try to fix everything but be patient with him. He just doesn’t know yet. 

Here’s a list of items (but not all) that you should know about your spouse, straight from Gottman’s book. Even if you THINK you know the answers, ask questions about these topics anyways. It might surprise you.

1. I can tell you what stresses my partner is currently facing.
2. I can tell you some of my partner’s life dreams.
3. I can list my partner’s three favorite movies.
4. I know the three most special times in my partner’s life.
5. I can tell you the most stressful thing that happened to my partner as a child.
6. I can list my partner’s major aspirations and hopes in life.
7. I can tell you in detail my first impressions of my partner.

eXamine Your Spouse

Yes, examine your spouse from head to toe. Appreciate their hair (if they have any), their subtle cheek lines, the color of their eyes, the way they smile, the curves or muscles of their body, their stature, how their hand feels in yours, and that’s just the physical aspects! Take time to appreciate what your spouse does for you, even if it’s not much. Even if the only thing you can think of is “Thanks for taking a shower today.” Appreciate the effort your spouse puts in, the time they spend with the kids, the little day-to-day tasks that often go unnoticed. Finding time to appreciate your spouse opens your heart to receive your spouse and opens their heart toward you. 

After you are done taking a moment to appreciate your spouse internally, tell your spouse the things that you appreciate. Even if Words of Affirmation isn’t necessarily their love language, everyone can appreciate a little gratitude towards them. It will help to fill your spouse’s love tank and show them that you are paying attention to what they bring to the table. 

Bottom line, you want more physical sex around Valentine’s Day (and afterwards), participate in more SEX. 

Marriage is an adventure, find time to enjoy it.

-Michael