The Making of Marriage

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What does your marriage need? No, no, no. Not what do YOU need from your spouse. Not what YOU want out of your marriage. But what does your marriage need? 

I think when most of us ask ourselves that question, we often jump to conclusions like “I need my husband to pick up his socks!” or “I need my wife to quit pestering me.” But hang with me for a second. Can you imagine your marriage in its most ideal state? Imagine the connection you would want with your spouse, the type of communication, the type of emotional, physical, and spiritual intimacies. If not, go ahead and give it a try. I’ll wait…

Asking the simple question of “What does my marriage need?” can be a difficult. It requires vulnerability on your end. I mean, who wants to think that their marriage is less than perfect? Aren’t all of us in a marriage that is fine? I mean, they all have their issues but if someone asked us “Is your marriage in good shape?”, wouldn’t we all respond with “Of course!”  Introspectively, it takes a lot to come to the conclusion that your marriage needs a little help. I applaud you if you recently came to that conclusion. The reality is that all our marriages can use a little help. 

Again, I ask, what does your marriage need for it to be a marriage that makes you happy? Or perhaps a marriage that you would die for? Wow. What a tough question. You would probably be willing to die for your kids, your parents (maybe?), but what about your marriage? I can’t take full credit for this question. In full transparency, I got it from a book called Marriage Coaching by Jeff and Jill Williams where they help married couples coach their own marriages. The question “What does my marriage need?” really got me thinking though. I thought about how scared I was to ask Amanda. Was she going to say something I didn’t like? Was I going to be the problem in our marriage? How would I handle the blame? 

When was the last time you asked your spouse for their perspective on what your marriage needs? What would happen if you did ask your spouse?

You’ve probably hinted at it with your spouse and your spouse has probably tried to tell you in some way. It probably came out something like one of these:

“I wish we spent more time together.” 

“I wish we could get to know each other more. Things haven’t been the same since we had the kid.” “I wish we had sex more often.” 

“I wish you would talk to me more.”

Here is my challenge, and my tips, for identifying what you believe your marriage needs and how to ask your spouse for their input. 

Identifying Your Perspective:

If you’ve come to the conclusion that your marriage needs a little help (this doesn’t have to mean that you’re on the brink of divorce, just that your marriage could be better), then congratulations, you’re normal. Again, I appreciate the emotions you went through to come to that conclusion as well. I know it’s tough. Really challenge yourself here though. It’s easy to think about the personality characteristics of your spouse that need to change in order to make your marriage better. But, you can’t change your spouse. What can YOU control to make your marriage better? 

For me, I have a deep desire to know Amanda’s mind. I want to know how her brain works, what makes her happy, what she’s afraid of, what makes your excited, and what her passions are. “Michael, you’ve been with Amanda for 18 years, shouldn’t you know all of that?” Absolutely not! I’m still working on it. Our spouses change over time just like we do. They grow up, develop new ideologies, new priorities, and Amanda isn’t the same person today that she was when we met at 16 years old. So, what can I do to improve this? Continue to ask her deep and meaningful questions. That means that I occasionally get an “I don’t know” but that’s part of the growth. I feel the most connected to my wife when I feel like we understand each other.

What is it for your marriage? Less fighting? More time together? Better financial security? More sex? More emotional connection so that you want to have more sex? Comment and tell us what it is!

Asking Your Spouse:

This is the tough part in my opinion. It’s scary. Here’s the internal monologue I go through before I ask Amanda:

“Michael, it’s ok. We can take whatever she says. Yes, I’m gunna get defensive for half a second, but we can control that. This is for the good of our marriage. Be strong. Like, really strong. But not Lenny from Of Mice and Men strong. That’ll crush Amanda’s gentle heart that you’re holding, so don’t do that. Ok, time to ask. We got this.” 

If you don’t think I could ever possibly go through that monologue before I ever ask Amanda a question about our marriage, you’re wrong. I 100% do go through that internal monologue. You can laugh, it’s fine. I HAVE to psych myself up for it though. It’s scary! I’ve caused a lot of damage in our marriage over time and I’m afraid of what she will say, how I’ll take it, and so on. You may have to do the same.

When you do decide to ask your spouse, be receptive. This means you have to open your heart and realize that you’re holding theirs. If they give you a genuine answer, treat it carefully. If you squash that moment, it may be difficult for you to get back there again.

You could even try something like this:

You: Hey babe, if our marriage was worth dying for, what would it need right now?

Spouse: It would need better communication. You’re awfully rough on me.

You: *Instantly defensive, want to punch them, but you take a deep breath and respond with:* That’s interesting. I want to learn more about that. Can we talk about that after the kids go to sleep?

This gives you a little time to cool down if you need to and be in a better place to receive what your spouse will say.

Action Plan:

I can’t stress this part enough. To get to this point, you’ve already done some really hard work. All of the progress is lost if you don’t have a plan though. After talking with your spouse, come up with ONE thing you can do to improve on your answers. You may have to do a lot of back and forth if you disagree on what your marriage needs, but once you come to an agreement, you can make a plan. Think small, baby, bite size steps. If your marriage needs less technology involvement so that you can connect, make a simple plan to set aside your phones for 30 minutes a day. Baby steps. If you improve 1% a day, that’s 365% over a year. Slow and steady.

Let’s get out there and make our marriages better. 

Enjoy the adventure,

Michael