The Making of Marriage

Have you ever had a conversation with your spouse like this when you got home?

Amanda: Hey baby, I’m so excited that you’re home! How was your day? 

Michael: It was fine. Just super busy. I’m exhausted.

Amanda: Oh yea? Tell me about that.

Michael: There’s not much to it. Did you stop by the store today? And I thought you were going to work on cleaning up today? I really want to get this house project done soon. It’s frustrating when I get home and this stuff isn’t done!

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve walked through the front door of our home (when we lived in a traditional sticks and bricks home) and have been emotionally unavailable to connect with Amanda. I would still be carrying burdens from work and just treat my homelife/family as another business. My wife and her performance was a business. My kid’s behavior was a business. Did they do their school work today? My house and it’s condition was a business. Then getting to bedtime was just another work project. I spoke to everyone as if they were my employees and divided tasks accordingly. I would keep everyone busy doing chores until bedtime. Then, I was super confused when Amanda wouldn’t want to have sex at night after I had spent the evening stressing her out. Shocker. I know.

Unfortunately, this is the story for a lot of marriages. It can be difficult to leave work at work and treat your spouse like a life partner rather than a colleague. I’m a business guy through and through. I love a good deal and if you ever get me on the topic of what I’m scheming up, I never shut up. I would never ask what Amanda went through that day, how the kid’s behaved (or didn’t for that matter), or all the little things that popped up throughout the day. I only focused on how my expectations weren’t met. I just simply couldn’t shut it off. My expectations are high and have always been high. Even to the point where my kids started to crumble under the weight of my expectations (that’s a blog post for another day though). Holding your spouse to expectations that they were never designed to meet is a sure-fire way to burnout your spouse and your marriage. I even carried this mentality into our initial Marriage Check Ins and we would end the “meeting” angry, crying, and certainly not looking forward to the next check in.

So, how do we fix the issue of treating your spouse like a colleague rather than your spouse? Here are a couple of things that I’ve learned throughout almost 20 years of being with Amanda and countless hours of studying marriages. 

*Side Note: if your spouse is your real life business partner, have a designated time where you shut off business talk. Like the end of the work day. 

1. Stop telling your spouse what to do

Amanda has been knee deep into a task, then I would walk through the door and start barking orders, forcing Amanda to switch tasks, leaving some unfinished and causing more frustration. Your spouse doesn’t need you to bark orders, your spouse needs you. Your emotions, your thoughts, your touch, and occasionally, your help. When you get home, instead of moving on to the next item that needs to be done (or escaping to your favorite room) just BE home. Let your spouse and kids express their excitement about the fact that you’re home. Spend 10-15 minutes just talking to your spouse about things you’re thankful for, how the day went, and what you love about your life. Stop and watch your kids play (or the dog) and appreciate their existence, youth, and energy.

2. Not everything is a task to be completed

When I would walk through the door, I would immediately find all of the things that aren’t in their proper place or all of the tasks that needed to be done. I would start angrily cleaning and EVERYONE in the home would know the new vibe in the house. I had a counselor ask me once “What would happen if you just allowed yourself to be in the mess for a minute?” At first, I was convinced that there was no way I could do that. But with time, I began to realize that Amanda, who was a stay at home mom of three small kids at the time, was fighting each and every day to cook, do play dates, home schooling, get to the gym, grocery runs, deal with diaper blowouts, and meet my expectations. But since I never saw how much she was working during the day, I just assumed she did nothing. What a huge mistake. Sometimes, you just have to let things be so that you and everyone around you can have some peace. Which leads me to my next point.

3. Come along side your spouse, not on top of them

Sure, a few of us have a dirty mind and that’s where we went with tip number 3. And I’ll admit, I shamelessly did it on purpose. But seriously, if your spouse got home before you and the home is a bee hive of busyness, what would happen if you started off with “What are you currently working on and how can I help you?” Remember, your spouse isn’t a colleague or subordinate. Actually, if you look at yourself as the subordinate who is responsible for providing support to your spouse, you’re going to be better off. Imagine if both spouses were attempting to support the other one on a regular basis? Sure, you may not want to help with the dishes, or cleaning, or yard work, or cleaning the garage. But what would it do for your spouse if you did? Would it provide a hands-on task for you to complete together that puts deposits into your Quality Time bank? Would it provide more time for conversation? Would it give both of you a sense of accomplishment? Would it help save your spouse’s energy so that they had a little left over for you at the end of the day? Who doesn’t like to have a little energy left when the lights go off! 

Your spouse needs you. Be there for them. Quit trying to drive the family forward and start supporting them upward.

Enjoy the adventure,

Michael