The Making of Marriage

We already talked about entering 2025 with goals for your marriage and having regular check ins to keep the line of communication open. Today, we’re going to look at communication skills we’re bringing into 2025 and those we’re leaving behind in 2024 (or, as the cool kids say, the “ins and outs for 2025”). Post in the comments your favorite communication tip that you’ve ever heard!

Ins: 

• Deep conversations with open ended questions— growing closer to your spouse means actually getting to know them on a personal level. Who wants to sleep next to someone for 40 years that they don’t really know? The Gottman Institute has a great tool called the Love Maps Questionnaire that helps you to see how well you know your spouse and is a great place to start! 
• Conversation follow ups— it’s great to ask your spouse a deep question that allows you to experience their thoughts and feelings. However, going further can be sometimes uncomfortable. If your spouse gives you a meaningful answer but it’s short and simple, go ahead and ask your spouse some follow up questions. “How did that happen? I’m so sorry that happened, how is that impacting you? How can I support you?” Just try and avoid “Why” based questions because they can easily throw up walls if not used correctly.
• Affection— small touches, hand holding, sitting close to each other while having conversations, chill or more intense, can deepen your emotional connection, grow your intimacy, and convey feelings that sometimes words just can’t get across. 
• Appreciation— let your spouse know you’re thankful! According to Psychology Today, “The “love hormone,” oxytocin, is released when expressing gratitude, further enhancing feelings of closeness and bonding”. Even in tense situations you can find reasons to be thankful for your spouse. Sure, it may be challenging but it is possible. 

Outs:

• Using absolute statements— using absolutes like, “You never…” or “You always…” only serves to isolate your partner, quickly putting up walls and creating a difficult space to have safe conversation. 
• Scrolling your phone while talking — I am guilty of this, more than I’d like to admit. I’m obsessed with that stupid hand computer! Sometimes I don’t even realize I’ve picked up my phone. Our spouse deserves for us to listen intently. Taking our eyes off the screen allows us to watch for non-verbal cues and keep good eye contact.
• Hurtful words — This is pretty self explanatory. It’s 2025, tearing people down just isn’t the vibe. Why would we want to tear down the one person we expect to be our bff for the next 50 years? Be your spouse’s number one cheerleader. 
• Stress dumping / flooding / negativity— Emotional dumping is the evil cousin of venting. It’s like if you took venting and added toxic sludge to it. Stick to venting, speaking to get support or to get a little off of your chest. But if you’re leaning towards emotional dumping, you might want to consult a counselor. 

Connecting with your spouse and creating a safe place for each other is so in for 2025. While it might feel daunting to break old habits and build new ones, every small step can lead to a stronger, more fulfilling relationship. This week, take up the challenge: pick one “in” to practice and one “out” to avoid. Maybe it’s starting a deep conversation with an open-ended question or putting your phone away during your next chat. Whatever you choose, commit to it and see how it transforms the way you and your spouse connect. Let 2025 be the year your communication thrives!

Enjoy the adventure,

Amanda