The Making of Marriage

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Communication in marriage– what a heavy topic. A quick google search reveals that about 67% of marriages that end in divorce do so due to poor communication. A lot of “I told him a million times” and “she never listens” get thrown around in marriages, fingers pointing and blame flying about who is or is not communicating well. 

As an Enneagram 6, communication isn’t about the warm fuzzies for me. I like facts, details, and straight talking. I often struggle with the emotional aspect of things, both dealing with the emotions of someone else in conversation and figuring out my own emotions. Over the course of our 20 years together, this has led to many misunderstandings and miscommunications between Michael and I. Over time, I put up walls and began approaching our conversations with skepticism, self-doubt, anxiety, and negativity. As you can imagine, that combination does not lead to healthy, productive conversations. It wasn’t until semi-recently that I really began to work on the posture of my heart (thank you, Jesus and therapy) when it comes to communication with my husband. I’d like to give a little advice from lessons learned that I fully believe can radically change your marriage, if you let it. 

First, pray for your spouse. 

In August of 2023, I was given the book Praying for Your Spouse from Head to Toe by Sharon Jaynes. I confided in my OBGYN turned friend that Michael and I were struggling badly and she had Amazon at my door with that book a few days later. At that point, we were separated and he was about 98% checked out of our marriage. Despite desperately wanting my marriage to be restored, the last thing I wanted to do was to pray for Michael. Well, that’s a lie. I did pray a lot for him to get his act together, but that wasn’t so much a prayer for him as much as it was a desire for me. 

Next, just pause. The Bible gives us pretty clear instruction on this in James, “…You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” Let that settle for a second… quick to listen, slow to speak. Even when listening, so many of us are really just preparing to speak as soon as there is a break. Pause in conversation with your spouse. Pause and realize that not every single thought has to be said, especially if it is not bringing life to your spouse and/or marriage.This doesn’t mean you can’t have difficult conversations, because you most certainly can AND should. But there is a way to have difficult conversations that doesn’t bring about strife and anger. (Maybe a post for the future…?) 

Finally, remember that you are partners. Genesis 2:24 tells us how a man leaves his mother and father to create a new family with his wife, more specifically that he is joined to his wife. One flesh. You’re not two separate people trying to get your way, or at least you shouldn’t be. Conversations with your spouse, whether they be fun and flirty or the kind that bring about a little tension, should be filtered through the lens of, “How does our marriage win in this?” If you’re keeping score about who wins or loses arguments, your relationship has already lost. Get out of that mindset and shift to a “we’re bffs to the end, ride or die, bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh” partnership. 

To summarize, or tldr: improving communication with your spouse begins with you. Pray for your spouse daily, pause before responding (or really saying anything), and remember that you’re in this together. 

​​How’s your communication with your spouse? This week, challenge yourself to pray for them daily, pause to truly listen, and approach every conversation as a partner, not an opponent. What step will you take today to strengthen your marriage? 💕 Let us know in the comments!

Enjoy the adventure,

Amanda