The Making of Marriage

If marriage is easy, you’re not doing it right. 

The roommate phase creeps on slowly. You and your spouse are not fighting, just going through life. Checking in with each other to coordinate dinner or extracurriculars. Completing your unofficially assigned usual chores at home and then relaxing in the evening, zoning out on different screens. Things are okay– simple, easy, light. Boring. 

God did not design marriage for us to coexist in the same home together, occasionally taking weekend trips or planning meticulously coordinated family photos for social media. God designed marriage to be the most unique connection between two individuals, becoming one flesh in more ways than just the bedroom. Being that kind of close means sharing it all– the good, the bad, the ugly, the uncomfortable. Sharing the daily happenings and the deepest thoughts. 

If you’re anything like me, these conversations don’t really come naturally. While working through a difficult season in our marriage, Michael and I realized that we needed to be more intentional with our connection. As a result, we created a “Marriage Check In”. We set time each month to go over this list, make notes where we have seen (or hope to have) improvement, and touch base about things we may have been keeping to ourselves. At times we pair it with a date night or some wine & cheese at the dinner table. Other times we choose to keep it a little more formal, sitting down with just the check in in mind. This conversation is not meant to be stressful or cause strain, but it is meant to create connection and keep lines of communication open. 

First, we start with celebrations, or “Good Things”. We talk about what’s going great with us as individuals or as a couple. If it’s good, we’re celebrating it. 

Next, we speak words of gratitude to each other. We answer the question, “What are two to three things you appreciate most about your spouse?” It is easy to be generic here, so we try to be specific and reflect on how we have really needed each other recently. 

Half way through, we hit the rating scale. We touch base on three big things– Communication, Sex/Intimacy, and Money Management– to see how we’re really doing in those areas on a scale of 1 (poor) to 5 (Excellent). We choose an area of improvement and plan some tangible action steps to make that happen. Each of us reflect on our personal effort over the last month, really taking a look at how we communicated, initiated intimacy, and strove for connection. 

After some self reflection, we air out any grievances we may not have voiced. This can be anything from discussing unmet expectations to bringing up seemingly silly worries that just need to be spoken out loud. Again, this is an opportunity for open discussion, not defensiveness or finger pointing. That’s not to say that there won’t be tension, but this shouldn’t bring about an argument. 

This open dialogue leads to creating action steps for our next month (if we haven’t already)– what realistic steps will we take over the next month, together and as individuals, to improve our connection, communication, intimacy, and money management? 

We wrap up our time together with prayer, holding hands and thanking the Lord for the time we were able to spend growing closer to each other and to Him. 

Ready to take the first step toward a deeper connection with your spouse? Don’t wait for a tough season to strengthen your bond—start now. Click HERE to download our Marriage Check-In Outline and begin building a habit of intentional communication, intimacy, and growth together today.