The Making of Marriage

On the couch, under a warm fluffy blanket, sipping on our favorite drinks while watching a Marvel movie, pants-lessly wrapped in a skin to skin contact human pretzel with my wife, that’s what I consider to be the perfect date night. 

Oh, by the way, HELLO! I’m Michael, the other half of The Making of Marriage. You see, like most men (but certainly not all), I like physical touch. I also really enjoy calm vibes and hanging out. If you couldn’t tell from some of Amanda’s previous blogs, I have long hair, live in a camper, and travel the country with my family so we can enjoy all the amazing things that America has to offer. Chilling is just in my nature. At the time of writing this, we are in between Christmas and New Year holidays, and I’ll have to say, that time of year is anything but CHILL. 

We recently arrived at our hometown to visit family for a month, and like many of you, we are busy going to engagements, parties, gift exchanges, and viciously competing for a small space on the road to get to Target. The stress and busyness that comes with this time of year elevates Amanda and I’s stress levels, we drop prioritizing our marriage, and I’ll have to admit, our communication goes down. But a nice chill date night seems to get my spirits back into the groove with Amanda. It’s tough to have a traditional date night when life is busy but here are a couple of things Amanda and I do to simply connect with each other during those times when date nights aren’t possible.

1. Play

When life is busy, I can find it hard to be in a playful mood. Honestly, I get all uptight, serious, poker faced, and snappy. It’s during those times that I try and remember to play with Amanda. The word “play” here is synonymous with “goof around.” Sometimes that’s in the form of playing a song loudly and dancing with Amanda. Sometimes it’s bringing up and inside joke, making fun of a movie, or texting cute things to each other. Let me ask, when was the last time you goofed around with your spouse? What kind of playfulness would both of you enjoy?

2. Touch

Nothing calms my nerves more than Amanda putting a hand on my back. That simple touch disrupts my thought process to such a degree that I can’t help but stop, take a breath, relax my shoulders, smile, and in a calm voice, say “Hi” 😊. Now, I know some of you get a touch from your spouse and you cringe, tighten up, or feel like you want to jump out of your skin. Physical touch may not be your favorite way to connect with your spouse. Totally understandable. What I would encourage you to do though, is communicate with your spouse about what kind of physical touch you do enjoy. When you come into contact with your spouse, it sends signals throughout your body (good or bad), triggers a response, and honestly, is imperative to your marriage (Chapman, 2010). If physical touch is not your thing, try communicating your preferred method of touch to your spouse. I know, you’ve already done it a million times. I’m asking you to do it one more time. Other spouse, listen and follow their instructions. It’s as simple as that. Don’t add anything to it. Don’t take away anything. Don’t change it to fit your needs. Do what they say. Easy.

3. Chill

When life is busy, it can be hard to take a full breath, sit down, or certainly “chill.” What does “chilling with your spouse” look like for you? For Amanda and I, it’s often watching (and ruthlessly critiquing) a movie, sitting at our table having an emotional conversation, or spending time expressing what we are grateful for. Maybe for you, you’ll need to put the phone down for a bit. I know, scrolling social media right before bed is “your way of calming down.” Look, it’s not good for you before bed and it may not help you engage with your spouse. I guess, unless you’re both laughing a cat videos. But to each their own. Seriously though, it could be as little as 15 minutes but make some time to chill with your spouse. I highly recommend adding in some physical touch to mix (simple, nonsexual, authentic, physical touch). If you want to have a great personal conversation with your spouse but don’t know where to start, shamelessly use some question prompts. One of my favorites is “What are you thinking?”

Get out there and make your marriage!

References:

Chapman, G. (2010). The 5 Love Languages: The Secrete to Love That Lasts. Northfield Publishing.